Chimes of memories

The past few days had beed very bad days as I repeatedly feel so unappreciated. First is my colleague from Franchise department, asking me to “help” them do a new presentation. Well, first and foremost, I could have just said NO since it’s non of my business anyways. But out of my usual answer I said I’ll try my best. BUT!!! Did they appreciate that? NO. The next day they came and shouted at me while I was doing my proposal for my own department of WHY am I not doing the presentation. WTF?!? Is it MY responsability to HELP them? It’s THEIR job, NOT MINE. They are paid for it, and if they can’t handle and want me to do it, pay me their salary la! Then comes the EX-Lady boss, showing off that her son had just graduated from a design school and commented on my work… -_-” Duh… I graduated long time de loh… What is so proud of it?? Asking me why the girl in the poster lift her arm… O..K… Then they should question all the models then.. why they stand with one leg? Why they like to blink their eyes? Why they have to look at the window like there is something romantic out there? Man… Then when I ask what kind of pose do she have in mind then, she said “MY SON SAID, it’s your job to figure that out, not him.” OK… In the first place, it wasn’t me who ask him to figure it out for me, it’s his SO proud MOM who insisted that I pass the job to her SON. Secondly, I already figured it out, but she sort of had something else on her mind and keep wanting me to change. hey, I’m not superman OK.. I don’t read minds. Posters are very subjective OK… different people different view, HALLOOOO… Then there is TODAY, my so called MANAGER, asked us to write our own apraisal yesterday and then told me I am not worth what I wrote… Saying I am not “agressive” enough in Marketing…. AGAIN… O…K… then what about all those promotions that she is using?? It’s all my idea… She took it and used it as her own without even saying THANK YOU and now she is saying this??? If I’m not agressive, then she is totally a dead fish in this department (which sadly in this case, she in fact IS a dead fish, doing nothing but copying my ideas and past ideas and telling the boss it is hers). She is nothing but a copycat who copies without even looking through the details which is the main reason why she even sucks at copying. I can always easily see through her since she can’t answer my questions when I ask her about the details which she didn’t look into but I do cause I WROTE IT!! I don’t want to argue doesn’t mean I don’t know what she did ya know… I’m not as old as they are… always forget what they just said and done… I can remember perfectly what I had proposed to her even for the past 3 years I’ve been trying to assist her from behind… If I were to be mean I would probably scold her in the face “You UNAPPRECIATIVE B****!” But no… Wouldn’t want to wake her up from her pathetic B****Y life… I’ll let her be till one day she meet a mean and smart person who can drag her down the drain ~^_^~ Which I believe with her attitude, for sure she will be doomed by her own actions one day.

I’ve been trying to search for my dear friend, Nurul Ain in Facebook and Friendster… A tall, big fella with a soft and kind heart… One of my most treasured friend in highschool… Everyone used to call her my body guard as she is almost 3 times my size at that moment and we were always together… She was truely the person who knows whats in my mind through the whole highschool years as we write to each other our feelings in letters passed by hand… Really miss her alot… It was really a relieve to have her there to write to… Really needed to have those words out to someone or else I think I might had already gone crazy in highschool… It is a regret of loosing total contact with her… If anyone were to understand why highschool is still haunting me, she might be the only one who could tell why… I wonder how she is doing now… well I hope… I miss her so dearly… If only I could write to her again… She didn’t write down her address in that old personal detail book we use to pass around before graduation… sigh…

Last night, I dream of high school… faces that I’ve once known so well… Whom today has almost been filed as the past… and again, the feeling of standing at a closed door with no strength to knock arise again in my mind and heart. It is surprising how a dream sometimes can be so real that it is difficult to tell if it is a memory from the past of a made up story from the mind. Like the scene of visiting an old friend… until now sometimes i still wonder, was that a dream, or was it something almost forgotten that made it blur in the mind that looks like a fantasy dream? And what does these dreams mean? May be I miss highschool… no ambition, no stress… just a simple highschool girl with the usual highschool problem… I guess… Well… I must admit, highschool still has that little one thing that haunts me… for years… which I don’t quite understand even till now… with my past records, it shouldn’t be a problem, but it seems to have an impact that just wouldn’t leave me alone… this is where I learned that we should not intervene with childrens life, we should guide them from aside and not standing infront forcing them to change course. May be, just may be that is the main reason why it’s haunting me, because of the possibility of what may be. For the fact that I’d been in control of every decition in my life from where to study, what course to take, when and where to have my tuition, who to make friends with… that may be the only thing that my parents had literally intervene with and surprisingly, it made quite an impact in my life. I know the answer very well, I just don’t understand why is it still haunting me… so wierd…

P.S. : To any of my highschool mates whom I did not invite to my wedding, Sorry guys… I wanted to but I just couldn’t do it… I don’t know what to say on the phone after so long (since I don’t even say much in highschool) and feel very akward to call and just say “Hi~! I’m getting married, come n join the party! See ya~!”

最近公司宣布了一件让许多人很惊叹的消息… 但对我而言, 这只是迟与早的差别. 可惜的是老板, 始终都要面对这一幕. 了解他曾经付出了很多, 也许累了. 但对公司来说, 或许是一线生机的转变. 总不能把这么辛苦建立的王国就让它腐败,堕落甚至消失吧… 如今大家都在议论纷纷的… 高层人员都有了压力… 当然, 理智的管理员都会如此猜测吧. 一件规模不小的公司为什么会落得如此下场? 高层的领导难辞其究. 所谓上梁不正下梁歪, 要重整这一切当然从最高领导下手开始监督… 但当然, 我们这一群钟点上班小市民也得小心一些, 免得被一刀砍下伤及九族… 哈哈… 但对我来说, 我是静观其变(不知道用词对不对…), 也就是静静的呆着, 看看会有什么变化… 况且, 今年求签说我要安守现在的事业便会有所收获… 我也相信应该会更好! 但也不排除最坏的可能 - 新皇帝废除前朝功臣以便带进自己的心腹… 哈哈… 讲到好象连续片一样… 哈哈… ANYWAY… 依然是那句, 有工就做, 没工就自由活动 (又或者偶尔假装很忙… 这都要感谢一些无聊的人不喜欢看见别人可以把工作在预期内赶完! 哈哈!)

Yesterday morning we received a shocking news… Our neighbour next door was killed in an accident 3a.m in the morning… The poor lady… She was poor and her husband had passed away years ago… with 3 children and one of them was born with mentality problem, she worked very hard at a factory striving to survive… Last few weeks ago, me and my husband just gave her our unused sofa and study table as she had non… But now… It is a very sad news indeed… She was hardworking and friendly… always looking after our home for she know we work in day… everyday we could hear her sound scolding her children morning, afternoon and night… but now… there is only silence… It makes me wonder… Who has the right to say they will live till old and make it as an excuse to put aside family? Who would know if our lives are already lived 50% or 80% or even 90%? Cherish every moment that you are having as it may be your last… no one knows… A very fine quote “Spend everyday as if it will be your last”. Do not tell your family and loved ones tommorow if you have time today as tml may not come… Cherish… Treasure… and appreciate that you are living today…

The story goes like this… I was driving home from work and when I was almost home, I turned into a lane where I had to turn right once i enter the lane…

so I turned and out of surprise I have no idea how can I not see the Honda coming. So since I was already turning into that lane and he was coming right at me, I had no choice but to speed up and cross the lane fast so he can continue with his road without crashing… The wierd thing was, I saw him turning away from his path and towards my direction, and in a split second, his car was behind mine and was how to say… “sticking” close… well… I thought may be he was one of those guys like my husband who likes to do that to people so I let him be and when there was space I let him through. But that guy break infront of me and obviously was doing it on purpose… So I kept distance and he stoped aside and I just pass by and obviously he wasn’t going to stop there. Obviously he was trying to stop my car… And so I thought, fine… I just stop aside and see what he wants… Of course I saw kids in the car so at that moment I’m quite sure he wasn’t gonna rob me… Anyway, this guy came out of his car and walk towards my car and kept scolding “You don’t know how to drive ah!”… Well… To be honest, he said I scared his kids, but I think his kids would be more scared of the way he drive when he was trying to stop my car… It was just an excuse… And said he wants to report to police and make me loose my license… well……… I’m not sure about complaining to the police about people cutting into the wrong lane would make me loose my license in anyway… but any how… I just said sorry since it was my bad in the first place for not seeing his car coming… and he kept scolding and at that moment, I was wondering what he wants anyway? Takkan I break and let him crash into my car??? Wouldn’t that be worse?? To my guess… He is just a low self confident guy who THINKS I cut into his lane on PURPOSE and since he is driving a HONDA and I’m just driving a little KANCIL, he feels insulted… some how… Anyway… obviously it’s not about his kids… since he is much more scarier than a car rushing by… -_-” If I’m his kids, I would be terrified at that moment to see my father like that… It’s just a mistake all drivers would make once in a while… but he took it SOOOO god damn personal -_-” Geez… some people are just pure wierd… at some point as he walks away (while still mumbling) I thought of a story my uncle told me “the Garbage truck”… most probably that guy is one of the garbage truck who had loads of rubbish in his mind and I was the coinsidence subject that he could dump all his rubbish at… So I just waved and smile and continue driving off home… But it was an unpleasent experience though… Kind of reminds me of my husband… if we have kids now and with his bad temper, we would probably be one of the garbage truck… I can imagine my husband being exactly like that guy… -_-” aiks… Not a good example for the kids huh… They would probably grow up to be as bad tempered as their father is huh… -_-” isk isk isk…

It’s mid night and I can’t find a peace in mind to fall asleep. Something is bothering me… seriously, I feel as if I’m pushed over an edge of going crazy, literally… As in crazy people in Tanjung Rambutan.. Phsyco some call it… Why? Because I feel sad, and please don’t ask me why do I feel so, because feelings are felt, not calculated and planed so therefore not a subject taught to be able to explain. I feel that my marriage is walking towards its funeral each time a member of my husband’s family steps into my so happens suppose to be my own family… people keep asking me why do I feel so, may be what they are trying to make me say is “I hate his family and I don’t want them anywhere near me”… well… I’m not going to say that. I don’t hate them, I just don’t have a good impression on any of them… and can you blame me for that? Let’s try to be reasonable here like everyone had expected me to be my whole life. Number one, I know this man for 6 months and his family is already falling apart. I only know his dad ran away for financial reason and I met his mom less than 5 times as I can recall, once in Ipoh and once in Melacca during our graduation before we got married, his sister, well… I’m not sure… I guess its around 2~3 times max before we got married? Well, his brother, we met many times as we once stayed together, I see him almost everyday in that period… but till now I never heard him call me…. But that’s OK cause it doesn’t really matter… the most funny part, I’d never met his dad… NEVER, and I will be honest this time… I don’t intend to… He was the person responsible for all this difficulties we’ve been through… and I can never find it in my heart to accept him as a good man… And… then there was our wedding and now they are in the family tree as well… For those who know me well enough should know, I’m not a very easy to get along and make friends over night person. So, what more to make a family? I call them family, I think they are family, but they don’t feel FAMILY to me. To me they are still pretty much a stranger… And the worse part of my story, the man who sleeps beside me for so long doesn’t understand that. He thinks I can accept them like my own just like that. He didn’t realise he was in my side of the family since the begining as I had planned for him to feel comfortable enough to call family when we get married… And now is it my fault that it is difficult for me to accept them into my house? My suppose to be sanctuary after work? He don’t get it… with his family around, I must smile when I see them, I must greet when I see them and when they talk to me I must talk back and when they are showing unhappy faces I must think of a way to make them alright even if I myself is in deep depression… I would have expected more understanding from him but he wouldn’t understand and I really can’t say I can see that he is trying… he is only trying to make me go his way, he is not even trying to understand things… Asking me why and why repeatedly when his sister is around, that is exactly WHY he is not in a cold war with his mom which only GOD knows when will end… ASKING the wrong question at the wrong time and not even trying to understand things first before acting. That is exactly why I don’t like to talk to him recently, because I feel that he will only make things worse. Funny how I feel this way huh… he is my husband, the one who is suppose to understand me the most… But no… When his family member comes around the corner, he becomes brainless, as if they ate his brain… I’m already in deep shit emotion recently and I though another week wouldn’t hurt that much… And now he tells me it is not a week, it is instead 2 months… Now how cute is that… How can one mistaken 2 months for a week? It’s either they are crazy or I am… I’m afraid I cannot stand that long with this emotion. It will either be I burst into insanity or I shall be the devil who tear his family way apart from him… Oh… and for many who doesn’t know, why I call them the funeral of my marriage… One single phone call, my door is broken… Another call, my bed is broken… and another call, we had to bare a dept for 1 and a half year… So… just a call can do so much, what would a person do? If you were me, would you be terrified in the same way too when they come into your house in person? I really am terrified… YES, I do not use “scared” as the term, but TERRIFIED as I KNOW it will be the funeral for my marriage IF they stay here permanently… and guess why I’m so terrified now as she is only staying for 2 months? BECAUSE, from one month, it caused the mother and son relationship to shatter into pieces… 2 months? I’m not sure with my emotion recently what will happen… And for the look of it, she migth as well stay here after graduation huh… And how nice that would be… THINK ABOUT IT… Sometimes, I really wish I would have a very short span life, so I would never see the day my marriage goes into a funeral before I do… I’m not sure what am I to him, but he is my world, and to see myself loosing him I rather loose my life before that happens… and I think that would be the best way for he and his family too before they turn into hatred for each other OR even for me to turn into hatred towards them for ruining my marriage… My marriage… My only dream in life… I know many don’t care… they have better dreams like getting a big house or a CEO post… Well… sad little me… My dream is just a marriage and a home to call mine… His job is already making me sick and his family is giving me a death sentence… I see my life walking towards a life I loath most… So… basically, when it reaches there, there would be nothing left of me anyways…

It’s 1a.m… I can’t believe I’m blogging at 1a.m in the morning at my parents house… WHY? Because my husband is still working… He and his new career… It’s basically affecting… well… almost everything in our lives… I’m still holding back my opinion on this new job thing “Good” or “Evil”… It doesn’t pay the bills… yet… it’s time consuming… (yeah… like they don’t have a home to go back to, a ugly wife, a pair of nagging parents or something…) May be it’s the pool… hey… where can you find free massage chair and free pool to play? Nah… It’s the stupid suppliers who can’t do their job right, making everyone a sacrifice… geee…. I tell you… lately life has not been a happy one… well… except the one week when we’re in Korea! That was a very nice experience… the blooming flowers can really sooth and calm your emotion almost immediately and place a smile on your face unintentionally… Geez… miss it already… how nice if we could live our life freely everyday like a holiday… ahh… how nice that would be… but nah… it’s impossible… we have to work… in order to pay the bills… i know what my husband would say… he would say… “Now you know la… money is very important, no money u think we can go Korea ah! Got money we no need to save so long just to go one trip!” Yeah… those are the usual words… boring… but usual… hahaha… it’s like he memorized it from a script or something… keep on repeating like a broken radio… geez… who doesn’t know mother is always a woman? Funny… we’re just trying to seek fun out of the bored… what’s their negative thinking problem anyway? Anyways… I guess from now on I won’t be loggin in to friendster so often since my “beloved” company blocked the URL (for what reason I’m not interested to know anymore…) Just wait till the day they block my msn or yahoo.com or google.com… I will assure they will not get anymore “yellow” lights from me! Since they do what ever they want without giving me any “yellow” light or even ask WHY… why should I give them any chance to explain? All is bull shit anyway… Yeah… that’s right… In this corporate world of theirs, who has the most “sotong” (in korean means cow dung…) who wins the game… well… personally, I hate “sotong”… So… that’s why I’m not going anywhere near the management level in this company… not that I trust they could last long with this kind of attitude anyways… Those who refuse to help themselves are doomed… but you know what… WHAT EVER… it’s not like we have anything interesting in there anyway… BONUS? NOPE… BENEFITS? Errr.. yeahh… Oh wait… NOPE… FREEDOM? used to have and that was the only thing interest me, but then again, they are taking that away as well…. so NOPE… and hmmm… FUTURE? a BIG NOPE to that… I can’t see the future in a company who bands all that might work and says YES to all crap… well… I guess the most reasonable excuse is… crap is FREE… future means COST… yeah… that should be why they are so full of crap…. hahaha… coz it’s FREE!!! Sooooooo funny… yet soooo pitiful… it’s really a waste to see it go down… really… they had all the tools ready… they just doesn’t want to pay the electric bills to start the engine… Funny why they spend so much money to buy all the equipments since they do not want to bare the bills of using it… an equipment that is not functioning is just another expensive crap on the floor isn’t it… it’s like they bought the cow but they don’t wan to buy a rope to tie it down and don’t wan to invest in a bucket to fill the milk with… They rather watch the cow run away or just stand there eatting up their grass and hays without doing anything helpful… AT ALL… funny… reeeaaaalllyyyy funny… and they dare to tell you, cows are useless, that’s why they rather not invest in the rope and bucket… but then I wonder… if it’s so useless, why did they buy the cow in the first place??? Isn’t the cow the most expensive of all 3 items? Wierd huh…

This morning I’d just read an email regarding a girl’s experience with motorcyclist smashing her car passenger window. The ironic thing was, their target wasn’t even a handbag, it was just a plastic bag which the attacker didn’t know what’s inside and so happens inside is just some empty containers… Leaving the girl in shock and with a brocken window, what do they gain? Nothing… And what does the girl has to loose? Well, luckily only with a broken window and a few scretches… What would the attackers feel if they were to gain nothing by hurting others? Would they even feel the least bit sorry of what they’d done? I don’t think so… Time has gone bad… this is a fact that not only those who think they are in bad times knows it… everyone is in a bad time… That doesn’t give anyone a right to take what others work triple as hard to help in life just to ease their own life… Many took up 2 jobs or even 3 jobs just to go through with this bad time, and would those attackers even ask themselves, what right do they have to take people’s hard work money away? Just because they are more lazy? They think they are more under privilage than others? Or because they are not afraid to die? Well, if they are lazy, then they could just let themself sleep till they die in piece, if they are sooo unfortunate, what about those who had to live under the bridge? Do they have the right to rob the robbers since they are even under privilaged than them? And if they are that unafraid to die, there are many jobs that could pay them well without hurting anyone now isn’t it… Either way, what give them the right to take anything away from anyone else at all? Doing bad things will never be a good record in their life, they will suffer one day for what they’d done, may be not yet but it will… like the other day where a theift was killed by a train (as i was told la), that is his time to pay, and there will be a time for the others as well, it’s only the time of WHEN, but they WILL pay for their actions. Everyone get paid from god by their action, those who do good, will one day be repaid with good life, and those who do bad thing will one day be repaid with a tragic ending of life…

Recently, I feel very tired… No matter how I sleep, how I put myself into idle mode, doing nothing, I still feel the same - Tired. Sometimes I start to wonder, is it my body that feels tired or my mind? All the work, all the rush, all the consistency… for what? I’m not sure… Recently just got quite a raise, but, that cheer only last for a very short while, and after that, I realize there is nothing to be happy about… with the raise, I wanted to improve the house, improve our living and by the end, the raise will end up in zero in the bank account as well… together with that raise it comes a lot of side effects… the pressure, the work, the rush, the time… At times I really wonder if taking the risk was a right decision… Is this what I wanted? and most importantly, is it worth it? I wasn’t a happy person every since I started this new job scope… I’m no longer sure what I want as if I’d lost my direction in a deep forest. There is this heavy rock inside my heart telling me there is something wrong with my life but I don’t know what… may be it’s trying very hard to fight off negative thoughts… or may be it’s trying hard to find a reason to live… All the sudden, it doesn’t know what life is anymore… We had become a slave of our own greed… and that greed inside is eating up all the happy thoughts replacing them with filthy thoughts like “I want… I deserve…” May be there is something wrong with my body, making my mind struggle to find out what is wrong… that’s why both ache so much… It ache so much that I feel like cutting out my heart just to make it stop… Nothing feels right recently… I feel my leg has no strength left to walk, my hand no longer able to hold, my mind went out off thoughts and my heart sank into a blackhole… May be my dog feels the same, that why she was running around the house like mad for no reason… May be that’s her way to try and fight this feeling… I wish I could just go wild and release this feeling out as well… But somehow, it’s traped inside this body and I don’t know how to let it out… Too much burden… Too much responsibility… I’m but an angel without wings…. What do people want from a wounded angel? And what can a wounded angel do for those people?